Anxiety.. me?


Last weekend I set out on my first trip to the big smoke alone. I dropped the kids at school and then made sure I had everything I needed packed and I headed out the the train station, I got my train and found my seat and I even blogged on the journey.

I arrived at Euston station after travelling  2 1/2hours from up north. I nervously got of the train and followed the way out signs on arriving in the hustle and bustle of the station.
Looking around trying to find where to go next all of a sudden I felt rooted the spot my heart pounding, my body starting to shake, my breathing becoming more frantic.
I  could hear my heart pounding but I couldn’t do anything I was just stood there.

I kept telling myself to calm down, I could feel the tears ready to start rolling trying to hold them back I scanned the station looking for the sign to the underground  and slowly made my way to join the people around me who had no idea of the battle that was going on inside me.

Scared of going down those escalators knowing that soon I would be underground with no phone reception, know one to help me. My hands shaking as I looked at the map trying to find where I needed to go. Focus is what I kept saying to myself, you can do it. 

Proud to say that I did manage to get on the right tube even though my was shaking and scared I wasn’t on the right one and who would help me if I got lost… Those 3 stops before I had to get off felt like a life time (yes just 3). 
Knowing I was at the right station made me feel better but only once I have exited the tube station did I take a deep breath and let a few tears roll “I did it!”, “I did it!” and doing a small happy dance inside.

What I did forget while I was in the big smoke was I would have to make that same journey back…..

It started to build up a few hours before my train was due to leave I even thought about just getting a taxi to Euston and not taking the tube at all but a friend told me I could do it she encouraged me to take the tube I was so nervous already and told her she couldn’t leave me but unfortunately she had to take a different line and then all of a sudden I was on my own again, hands shaking, heart pounding for the whole 3 stops. Arriving at Euston and getting back to the hustle and bustle I just needed to sit and calm myself down. I grabbed some food and found some where to sit, my whole body shaking made it difficult for me to eat and in the end I didn’t eat much as I felt so sick. 

There was still a whole hour to wait for my train back up north, there were so many people around I stood shaking until the screen showed me what platform I needed to head to. It was a long journey home and well I didn’t feel good all the way home. I just wanted it to hurry up so i could be some where I felt safe, I wanted to be home. Even tho I had an awesome weekend.

I have never suffered from anxiety before so all this was a complete shock to me, I think I will look into it a little more. 

x


10 Comments

  • Hannah Brooker

    You are very brave to put yourself through that Rachel esp a secon time. I suffer anxiety and it’s exactly as you describe here. A huge well done for keeping calm and rational even when it seemed you’d rather the world should just stop so you could get off! I think you’re amazing!xx

  • pinkoddy

    I think most people feel exactly like this the first time they go. Well done I am so proud of you and knew you could do it. Next time will be easier šŸ™‚

  • MummyNeverSleeps

    Firstly – bloody good on you for doing it and getting home – I heard about the train fiasco on Saturday night – nightmare.

    It does sound like a anxiety attack, if it worries you – absolutely go and have a chat with your GP. Thanks so much for grabbing me to read this, I think it’ll really help others in the mental health round up šŸ™‚

  • Lisa1970

    Well done for getting through your first panic attacks. I’ve always had anxiety so even the thought of getting on a train alone would terrify me…usually if I can’t drive to a destination I won’t go so I think you’re brilliant! Can’t recommend Rescue Remedy enough for those public feeling lost moments šŸ™‚ X

    • Rachel H

      i think I might have to invest in some rescue remedy and give it a try, thank you for stopping by and reading

  • Kat Pearce

    Well done! It’s awful being somewhere new and the panic suddenly kicks in. Amazing that you braved the return journey too. Hope it’s not so bad next time. The tube is a nightmare for everyone outside London!! xx